Attempt at Writing for Cracked

This was my submission for Cracked (And it's even in their obnoxious style, I also included thoughts about this effort after the article too):

<<<<<<<Sorry, I’ve never done this before so I’m not sure how it actually works. I tried to make this in the form of an article and include the pictures and bracketed the captions. I’m not sure if the images are usable so I included all info on where I got the images at the very end of the document. I also don’t know how to make words into links so I just put the links nearby. Thanks for your consideration and time and your awesome website!>>>>>>>>>

6 Ways Iron Man is (Not) Objectively Better Than Batman

This is a reader’s response to THIS article, which has somehow sprung up again: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-ways-iron-man-objectively-better-than-batman/

Cracked says to be respectful to the writers, and this writer has (FOOLISHLY, MUWAHAHAHAHAAAA) said in the end of his article that he looks forward to counterarguments (perhaps not ones this far down the line) so I thought about commenting (also because SOMEONE’S a little too busy fighting crime to spend time on the internet defending himself) but there are like 2,665 comments (and the rails are garbage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co8kbz2NM6M&t=1m37s  ), and if I added one more that would clearly summon El Diablo, so instead  I thought I’d write an article in kind (also there’s a lot to be said about this topic), perhaps not super kind, but I’ll try not to be a (Dick) Grayson (Also Know As Robin/Nightwing/Newer DC’s Batman, you knew that though, you were just testing me).

TL;DR (already?!?!) this is a response piece. As such I would highly recommend reading the original article (if you weren't one of the nearly one-and-a-half million that already has). Here, I’ll even post it again: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-ways-iron-man-objectively-better-than-batman/ Please read that before you read this counterargument article. Counterargumenticle?

IRON MAN VS. BATMAN 2: THE REBEGININING:

The original article’s first picture was of Batman throwing a car battery, I could only find a two-pager of that time he threw a hummer…

Sorry, everyone. I know that’s not as cool, but please bear with me. To be fair he was high on magical talisman feels in Detective Comics 789. It was a very dark knight time indeed…

Regarding the first postulature (not a real word, I know, but shouldn't it be?) in your introduction, fellow articullati Luke McKinney, yes, we, the citizens of the internet (interweebs? That one dolphinately should be a word...) DO love sequels! BUT only when they’re dope, as in The Empire Strikes back. Or the Indiana Jones sequels one and two (it was so sad that they NEVER got around to making a 4th Jones movie but perhaps that’s for the best). We also love the 1% like Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne but only when they decide to fight for us, or at the very least for our amusement.

Ok, so maybe they’re more like funded by the 1% and Clinton and Sanders would have to be boss characters. Also if someone would please make this into an actual fighting game? I will love you forever...

Your second paragraph states that Iron Man and Batman “are easily the best heroes in their universes.” This seems contrary to our fairly common internaut claim that Superman is “easily” better than Bats in terms of withstanding immediately-delivered supersonic punches to the face.

Little known fact, it’s the resulting shockwave that actually kills you, or maybe that’s any and all bystanders, I always forget, oh ya, probably because of the concussion that occurs if you’re simply within a half-mile radius of that one punch man…o....k….?  (o__o) 

I then went on to read something about how Supes is the better choice when you’re 7 because he’s “’super invincible and can do anything,’” which is a pretty solid stance at any age. I mean,  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Batman fly into space unaided (did you know he can’t even fly AT ALL? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Unl8l8VdONw ) or even take a bullet to the cornea like it was simply time for his annual Kryptonian glaucoma test https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLN3dPMyXeg . You then mentioned something about hating Captain America because he is somehow appropriately adverb-ized as “’drug-fueled’” and “‘foreigner-killing.’” I guess we just kinda forgot about how his gamma-radiation-super-serum-fueled-probably-shirtless-and-well-oiled-body actually prevents him from being intoxicated. That and he's from our favorite war, the one where he's killing nazis. you know, the foreign guys most nobody likes who commonly rank somewhere below zombies AND vampires (but obviously above nazi zombies and nazi vampires...maybe)... On the other hand you have Tony Stark, a man who's "occasional flirtation" with booze is legendary. That and the Stark weapons gave him something of a name overseas, especially in Quicksilver and Scarlet Witchistan. It's not a good one. It rhymes with "ouchebag."

Yeah, dude, Captain Bromerica can’t get drunk…Unlike SOME people…

Word clump 3: sentence 2, “I’ve settled on a winner,” is NOT an objective statement. The “universe has settled on a winner” is. Objective is a numbers’ game. Objective is 5 is more than 1 because that’s how objectively our conception of numbers (in base 10) works. Subjective is, hey, lemme tell you, how, given a certain set of conditions you probably haven’t even considered (or know about, thus it’s kind of a “trick question”), 1 is better than 5, and I’ll let one of Tony’s great great great great fantasy bloodline’s relatives’ frenemies relate it to you, cuz we’re bros and he’s cool like that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jcy37C5SN0M Also I couldn't get Walken to do it.

I mean I still love him and I'd still vote for him over Trump any day, but I hope he still makes good on his promise of a mandatory national Talken-Like_Walken Day Month and wears socks on his hands all the time, especially when he refuses to shake Putin's hand... He did already lose that previous election though.... http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/life-raft-election/n11682 ).

Ok, so maybe that was just a non-literal literarily-licensed availment of the word “objective.” Continuing with section 3, you’ve decided to completely eschew Batman’s and Stark’s comic book legacy because that’s what “DC Comics has already done with the recent REBOOT” (Emphasis and obvious point mine), we’re dealing with what are called the cinematic universe counterparts of two very famous superheroes, so both have been optioned and condensed into movie form (you’ll notice Marvel even has two wiki entries for the comic characters and the cinematic ones, oh hey, whataya know, DC wiki calls this cinematic Batman part of the “Nolanverse”).

The Nolanverse is a pretty dreamy place if you consider being squished by buildings to be what you’ve always dreamed of…

 It does make sense to have the two limited to their first two movies especially because you’re back in May 2012 (why the heck is this article so popular again? It's not like there's gonna be a big matchup between-- OMG IT'LL BE HERE THE NIGHT OF MARCH 24!!! My money is on Wonder Woman killing them both with her thighs!!! No reason to believe that'll happen, that's just one 30-year-old boy's crazy dream/wish/dreamwish/deathwish), but if I feel like adding anything recent, I’ll make sure to mention that it doesn’t count. Sorry some things I mentioned above outside of those movies already don’t count.

Just white out those sections of the screen, please, and thank you.

Um... or that, that’s fine too…I guess… Or you could... use your thighs...

On to your actual Numbered points!

“#6. Iron Man has a better plan.” Does he? I’m fairly certain that if Batman has automatic fire sprayed in his direction, he’s probably pretty aware of it too, that’s maybe why he likes to attack from above, and not in any direction that would put civilians at risk. Batman also uses his batarangs to try and avoid the ol’ “pray and spray” when possible (also as an aside and because she’s way schway, the second Batgirl, Cassandra Cain, does all those things too).

Like that time she refused to dodge because that would be bad for the hapless yutz planted directly behind her in Batgirl Episode 6: The Unicorn Gambit!

I mean and we all know that she could clearly dodge even a point blank shot from Trinity, or a 100% hit chance in X-COM 1/2 (the latter of course admittedly must not be THAT hard https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSRGkvv7o0U ) (pushes up glasses) And I, of course, need not remind you of her epic dodges in Batgirl Episode 59: Escape from the Lair of the Penguinmancer (Part 4).

I mean, clearly Cassandra Cain is better than all of these clowns. This article should really be titled: “Iron Man and Batman can’t hold a candle to that one girl who can’t even read.” But then that might promote illiteracy, and she really is trying to fix that…

Back to Batman, I have no idea why I’d think he’d have this “situational awareness” on speed-dial, maybe he’s good friends with Spiderman or maybe spending all that time training really isn’t the same as “learning to grow organic tomatoes…” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVTDMA8w2m0

Sharkolas Cage warned the children, like that wasn’t already rule NUMBER ONE of using public transportation in America (Also can we talk about good I am at PhotoPaint? I mean that just LOOKS SO REAL, I hope I don’t give too many people nightmares--I mean DREAMY FANTASIES! Also the eyebrows are courtesy of Uncle Leo on last night’s Seinfeld https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SqatyzPlJU&t=2m17s !)

 Tony on the other hand...Damn.. I already said something akin to "Tony on the other hand," earlier... Tony on the other foot, probably doesn’t really have control over where bullets end up when they ricochet off of his suit, now does he? And you can talk about how Batman shouldn’t get shot in the face while you fart in an elevator all you want but Bruce is more than just his suit. He can actually snap into action to dodge things whenever he needs to. Tony shouldn’t be near danger anytime he’s not wearing a suit (Which is why I can’t watch Iron Man 3, I have too much anxiety for him when he’s running around like he suddenly stumbled into a relatively safe and cartoonish adult Home Alone movie). When Tony’s not in a suit a wayward meteor could strike him at any moment. Bruce Wayne could probably dodge it though. Ok, probably not. But, I dunno, maybe. Actually, yes, he SO would! BECAUSE HE'S BATMAN!

Captain America just really really really REALLY cares about his friend--I mean a bullet could hit him at any moment. I sure hope Iron Man repays him someday for being such a good friend. AND WOW, Cap’s practically crying here and he only does that every time he thinks of how everyone he used to know is dead, so like, usually only when the camera isn’t on him or when he’s showering or staring longingly towards the heavens with his back turned to you or during a rainstorm.

And I’m pretty sure if Batman wanted to he’d just stab Tony at the next Billionaire playboy luncheon just to send a message about how, for some reason, they can’t be together because they’re from separate comic book and media conglomerate universes, like when Juliet stabbed Romeo and was all “stop trying to be friends with MEEEEEE!” I’m pretty sure that’s how it happened. I'm sorry, didn't read the whole thing, Mrs. Williams from High School! Didn’t Bella stab Edward because he was a sparkle wish kid who wouldn’t take the hint that creepers and people who can't finish sentences CAN NEVER BE TOGETHER!!!???

 Batman also designs but rarely uses Iron Man-like Batsuits. This is from the comics. Admittedly they’re more like EVAs to Tony’s Gundams but he’s still TRYING, BATDAMMIT! This is from Robin 128. Where Robin’s (the third Robin, techno-whiz Tim Drake? Duhhhhhhh!) girlfriend (Stephanie Brown, alternatively who also later becomes the third and current Batgirl) gets fired by BATMAN, THEREIN PROVING THAT HE’S OBJECTIVELY THE WORST! AND A MEANY POOP FACE!

 “#5 Iron Man Did More Good.” What? The? Do you mean he did more goodly, or he did more good things? [superego note: we said we weren't going to be too much of a Grayson, people talk like that, you know what he means, this isn’t an English class, this point goes to Luke, Darth Hitler (...cuz grammar nazis?) http://www.cracked.com/article_15664_9-words-that-dont-mean-what-you-think.html ] I’m not certain storming off to one’s own room, like you said, probably to play Rocket League, is at all like dedicating your life to understanding the criminal mind and how to become a force to stop it so no one else feels the pain of double parental unit…erm..icide…s.

AND I’m glad the cinematic universe/Nolanverse did it the way they did, by the way. It’s possible Bruce might have just wallowed in agony and money and never become Batman. Bruce didn’t just immediately leave to train to become better after his parents died, he was going to just shoot the guy who murdered his parents (who was not the Joker, as it was in Michael Keaton’s Batman). It was petty and awful and completely not a Batman thing to do, thankfully, a pre-drama with Tom Cruise Katie Holmes playing Rachael Dawes (a completely new character, yay for new things) told him she was ashamed of him (as his parents would be). She also slapped him in the face for being a real pussycat-man.

Which as we all know is how Batman developed his nasty habit of slapping Robin, as well as why he's crazy in American Psycho. Rachael struck such a puissant blow to him the tremors actually travelled through time influencing his former self and parallel universe selves.  Wow maybe Sciencetoloogy is real…. Isreal. Israel… What have I stumbled on to!>!?>!<!? (Also this is kind of an in-joke because DC’s Catman looks just like Batman but is kinda Orangish-Brown, like Ken to Batman’s Ryu, also there is a real-life Cat Man, and it’s…an... acquired taste.... As please enjoy your unsolicited insertions of Israel, internet http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/unsolicited-opinions-on-israel )

Reboots are great when they dare to do something else. I’ve already seen Toby as Spiderman so recently and I don’t want to again… Also no one offered to watch the new ones with me, which was a real metaphorical slap in the face! OMG! CALLBACK SLAM...about slams!

...Where, was I? We? Oh, yes, you tried to mention something about how vaporizing enemy water supplies was worse than guns. “Way worse.”  Like somehow shooting or blowing people up with missiles was somehow worse than destroying their supplies so they’d have to surrender. Yeah, I’m sure the Geneva convention would be awfully pissed about that (one of the legitimate criticisms is that such technology is impossible unless it would also obliterate humans, since they’re about 73% to 45% water by weight (with both intracellular compartments, or cells, and extracellular matrix, like your blood), but let’s just say it’s somehow able to work like it does and only atomizes things above a 90% water by weight threshold cuz magical movie tech is a thing and jellyfish (about 95% water) just better watch out.

Also Morgan Freeman may be in charge of Wayne Enterprises (specifically R&D) but I’m pretty sure Pepper is a little miffed that she has to practically head Stark Industries herself.  Meanwhile Jenner has her own show and the fudurul govmunt allows this wheelchairin’ handican (as opposed to handican’t) mutie/inhume lobuman tuh run a school for at risk yutes [youths –ed.]!

He can read your thoughts so trying to boil HIM before he boils YOU won’t work!

“#4 Iron Man has a Less Ridiculous Moral Stance,” Where do I even begin? You’re kind of stretching everything here, like some kind of STRETCHO-STRETCHY-STRETCHERSON! Batman’s only cruel action was perhaps in deciding not to save Ra’s Al Ghul, (oh guano, Spoiler Alert! Also did you notice how the League of Shadows close their eyes to deal with the thing they fear, Bruce closes his eyes for Bats, and Ra’s closes his eyes when he’s going to die. Batman fears bats and becomes one, Ra’s fears death and becomes death, destroyer of worlds, oh and he dies, maybe he should have feared spiders or something..cuz spiders eat Bats duhhhhhhh https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn8o7uim6DU . Have you never been to Australia  any continent on Earth, save Antarctica?! (Also while I have your attention, please save Antarctica: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dH573B1bkHI )?

All I was trying to say is I really like clever writing that gets you thinking. IMEANOBJECTIVELYNOLANOVERFAVREAU,RIGHT?EFFTHATNOISE,FURVOEFFINGGRULES!RUUUUDYYYY!

You then make a good argument for the expansion of Medicaid and perhaps even universal basic income which I and Senator Sanders really have to applaud. I suppose instead of just wounding the thugs, maybe cement batarang headshots would have been better? That certainly seems unsportsmanlike at best. In the comics, which we’re not allowed to talk about (but Captain Kirk breaks rules AND SO WILL I), Batman actually uses his position at Wayne Enterprises to give some of the former thugs gainful employment. He also makes some serious donations to charity, and continues his parent’s legacy of revitalizing the city. Iron Man’s legacy starts more along the lines of Ra’s, but then he goes on to fund the Avengers (Oh and that one kid he gave a lot of stuff too, in that 3rd Iron Man movie you still haven't seen, Luke from 2012, you link to the past, you.). But regardless of their inheritance, the difference is that both heroes CHOSE to do something good with their legacy. HAHAHA AND FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION A NUCLEAR STRIKE… Cut to Batman saving everyone by risking his own life to get the nuclear bomb out of Gotham in the next movie you "haven't" seen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUJJEQF-bjQ

That Bruce, when will he learn “you can’t hug your children with nuclear arms?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7QhpJ3DWDA 

Oh I also forgot to mention that ALFRED orders a whole bunch of helmet PARTS in order to disguise what they’re using them for and in order to disguise that Bruce is Batman (order order disguise disguise!), hopefully they found other uses for the parts at Wayne Enterprises, like, if you're a really great employee you'll get a piece for doing a really great job that day and then you can eventually collect them all and assemble your own Batmask (!) and seconds later die under "mysterious circumstances (Ooooh that sounds fun/good for morale!)." Despite the possible waste of his own funds, at least it keeps criminals from going after his friends in order to get to him (and that’s also why Bruce Wayne ain’ts gots very many friends ;(... ).  I mean Stark should have really concealed his identity better because it certainly came back to bite him in the next movie which you also "haven't" seen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAgdzeifdNk&t=4m47s

PAGE 2 WOO WOO!

“#3 Iron Man’s Tactics Are a Better Selfish Waste of Ridiculously Advanced Technology” 

I like your double use of the term “revolutionize.”  Funny that you should also mention Tony’s infinite energy program in the comics (which we agreed again doesn’t count, but I want to talk about it because the internet BARELY HAS ANY SPACE devoted to such a thing), because it’s also what Bruce is making in The Dark Knight Rises and it’s later turned into a nuclear bomb (I’m also going to have to hunt you down now because you’re obviously a time traveler, or an old man Biff decided the only thing you should know about the future is what happens in the next few superhero movies). Your argument here doesn’t really hold much Fukushima nuclear plant-radiated water though. Something something about Tony enjoying his ability to safely drunk drive and something something about hunting people for sport when you’re a member of the 0.1% suddenly being a bad thing…  Why even have as much money than the bottom 90% of Americans if you’re not going to use it to play the most dangerous game (http://www.politifact.com/wisconsin/statements/2015/jul/29/bernie-s/bernie-sanders-madison-claims-top-01-americans-hav/ Unsolicated remarks about how upper Midgar is crushing the slums beneath! REVERSE-METAPHORS?! MULTI-TRACK TRACK DRIFTING!?!?! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86PUB4u2s2A WHAT WHAT!?!)

Also since I like to pepper (and I like Pepper, she’s great! Has she met Bruce Wayne? What if they like each other!?!? I really wanna see this Iron Man vs. Batman movie now actually, ok, I always have…) my arguments/discussions with criticisms/critiques of movies  (in addition to gratuitous parenthetical pause-ry, sorry, sometimes I go off track, damn, I already used a multi-track drifting reference... OH well https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWl9A7aapF8 ), the whole Lucius is angry at Batman for invading privacy doesn’t really make sense because Lucius essentially makes “The Machine” from Person of Interest (TV series, also by Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan’s younger brother, also fantastic.). The Machine looks at all of everyone’s available data autonomously, and only alerts, in a somewhat cryptic sort of manner, Person of Interest’s version of Batman and Oracle (The wheelchair bound tech wizard who was formerly the first Batgirl, AKA Barbara Gordon) in order to save people’s lives, stop terror threats, etc. all whilst not invading others’ privacy, and allowing stops for commercials, you gotta make all the stops https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj6jM9k4vAU ! Jim Batviezel And Michael Oraclemerson also have to keep The Machine safe from those Hail Hydra-esque charlatans that want to abuse it in order to create their own machine that actually influences people’s lives directly in order to control them, it’s some pretty deep modern day superhero datamining stuff). Lucius makes this powerful Batcomputer in order to find The Joker using what looks like some kind of impersonal wavy blue dolphin-safe sonar technology. That’s a lot different from Jack Bauer or Batman’s usual method of torturing a guy to give up the goods/drop the recently stolen falafel sandwich (which is itself kind of a crime, also a liiiiiittle different from the current Apple phone unlocking debate, but I hope someone brings up that The Dark Knight for a reference, just like the Scalia did regarding 24 as justification for torture https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmeF2rzsZSU ). I mean, it’s not like Batman is using the Nolan Batcomputer to look at all your pics of Dick Grayson…

See how quickly his name became a bad word? Boy, I sure am glad my name isn’t also a slang dictionary term for that part of the male anatomy, no siree, Bob. AND that last name joke actually started as a legit typo, not that there’s anything wrong with that https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGAyQAkXajg&t=2m23s … And… Why do you have…so…many…of…..these Grayson pics? There’s like a whole terabyte on this thing…

And then Batman blows up his new computer after one use. I understand that it’s maybe a violation of The Joker’s right to privacy because THE Joker refused to allow apps to use his location (and he’s clearly a very private individual in the fact that he has no background, and even goes so far as to make some pretty awesome custom threads, AND won't even give people the real backstory of his scars) but The Joker’s kind of violating other people’s right to live, so…. I kinda think the Law of Competing Harms would side with Batman on this one (the law, that, if I’m getting this correctly from that one time I skimmed one of those GUNS & AMMO magazines, would allow for a police officer to shoot you if you were holding someone hostage, and you thought random articles you read on the internet wouldn't help you bluff your way through law school ;) ).

“#2 Iron Man Is Portrayed by a More Suitable Actor.” You then go on to say that neither is the more suitable actor because “Christian Bale is also the perfect Batman.” As in R(2)-DJ. is the perfect Tony Stark/Iron Man; CB-(PO) is the best Bruce Wayne/Batman. Not that they both are “the perfect Batman,” that would not be possible because it would invalidate your use of the word "perfect" (as it’s a direct violation of Highlander rules). So, like, I agree with you. They’re both great! Why are we fighting? Can't we just pool our resources and combine our Dick picks to make the greatest repository of Dick pics on the planet? You know, strictly for no homo science reasons.

Spiderman should at least dance for that money, I mean despite the fact that he risks his life every day for a great cause his parents were poor so he hasn’t earned it!

“#1. Iron Man Never Caused Hell on Earth,” screamed the man, mere seconds before he and the encampment were obliterated by a Stark Industries’ HellFire/DayMaker missile (They couldn’t decide on which name was better and oddly neither can I).

This is a re-enactment of your argument here via a guy with one of those awesome cheesy 30’s radio announcer voices: “Meanwhile, Batman, that caped lunatic, decides to up his moxie and whirl his gumption by causing the League of Shadows to gas the entire city in his nefarious attempt to stop them. Mraaaaaa, he’s the real villain, see?”

Whilst this is the actual context of the movie as relayed by some guy who trolls the internet desperate to answer random strangers' questions so he may once again return the word "troll" to that of it's former glory! I.E. That cool thing fisherman do when they're desperately trying to catch fish and answer their questions about whether or not they'll one day be delicious sushi:

And then just like that he was gone, probably off to answer another 7 year-old's question of whether or not Batman broke his one rule https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Svd4fe8HEZI ...

Kinda sounds like the league would have burned Gotham to the ground with or without him. So Batman kinda PREVENTED hell on Earth. Of course, in his own way Iron man’s done this too. It's like their job or something I don't know...

#0. And this is the conclusion. Batman and Iron Man are like bros. So it’s a silly that they would fight when together they make great partners and could totally double team and dominate Superman and then do a real sloppy (cuz they're probably tired by now) bang up job of Captain America. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyLWrKh2fB0 Also here is that shower room scene you requested…

“Gallons of alcohol” to forget the greatest team-up ever? Oh, Tony, you Cad!
Also “gallons?!” You might have a problem, dude… Also I’m pretty sure you’re much more than Trump level rich, so the allure of free booze or even a cash bar probably shouldn’t be the highlight of your night when you can ostensibly get those things whenever…

Peter T....hopefully... looks forward to any more rebuttals you may have to this argument or anything else you want to add because “you’re worth it!” “The more you know!” ;) “But you don’t have to take my word for it!” "something something BELIEVE IT!" “Did you get that thing I sent you?” Etc.! He is also currently trying to make his half-English half-French term "ship-de-choix" (pronounced: "ship-doo-schwa," meaning "ship of choice") a "thing" and would love your help in such matters! ^_^

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Pibliography:

Batman Hummer Throw from: http://readcomiconline.com/Comic/Detective-Comics-1937/Issue-789?id=6162#13

Republican Street Fighter from: https://www.google.com/search?q=gop+debate+street+fighter&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjsyZbBtajLAhUE22MKHQ3YAPoQ_AUICSgD&biw=1896&bih=830#tbm=isch&q=street+fighter+selection+screen&imgrc=uIX9JB8SvS3mnM%3A and http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2015/05/2016-predictions-117554 and http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2015/09/11-best-moments-cnn-gop-republican-debate-trump-fiorina and http://insider.foxnews.com/2015/07/30/charles-krauthammer-fox-news-gop-debate-will-be-all-about-donald-trump

Captain America, SOME people from: http://filmschoolrejects.com/features/can-captain-america-get-drunk.php

WAlken with socks from: http://mashable.com/2016/02/02/christopher-walken-kia-ad/#Zm5rU5RrIGqM

Nolanverse Inception dream from: http://www.filmofilia.com/two-new-inception-posters-19685/

Lickscreen from: http://swaggerwriters.blogspot.com/2012/02/thinking-like-woman.html

Batgirl images I pulled from comics that I have…

Nicholas Cage and JAWS from: CANYOUBELIEVEIMADETHATMYSELFIT’SSOPROFESHHHHHH!!!

Captain America gif from: http://forums.superherohype.com/showthread.php?p=32820499

Scaredy-cat man base from: https://faithandfantasyalliance.wordpress.com/tag/blogs/

Something wrong Xavier from: http://www.thegrindstone.com/2014/01/20/career-management/hiring/ways-to-blow-a-job-interview-patrick-stewart-gif/

Batman’s besties with Godzilla from: http://www.nolanfans.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=33&t=12114&start=10 and http://pacificrim.wikia.com/wiki/File:War_Clock-02.jpg and http://consciouslyenlightened.com/nasa-scientists-warn-godzilla-to-hit-the-u-s-west-coast/

Original Chris O’Donnel Robin from: http://www.bfacemag.es/cine/batman-batman/ combined with https://www.pinterest.com/pin/327707310361478903/

Yahoo answer: http://movies.stackexchange.com/questions/2011/did-ras-al-ghul-have-a-hand-in-the-murder-of-bruces-parents

Throwin’ money with spiderman from: http://www.memecenter.com/fun/3807681/money-is-power

Joker witnesses the fanboy antichrist erm…showertimes from: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3006/3030742608_1fcef4d39e_o.jpg  and https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://photos1.blogger.com/hello/198/4480/640/iron%252520man%252520160%252520b.jpg&imgrefurl=http://daveslongbox.blogspot.com/2005_11_01_archive.html&h=596&w=592&tbnid=l9zXXpoR7qA1MM:&docid=TW4HbvHE1YtvTM&ei=iDHaVpXTK4qkjwOByYLYAw&tbm=isch&ved=0ahUKEwiVt9HyrajLAhUK0mMKHYGkADsQMwgmKAkwCQ and https://scans-daily.dreamwidth.org/42572.html

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^^^Reasons for the article:
So... my friend Thomas posted this Cracked article on Facebook which I read but didn't agree with. I like Cracked, they're a humor website that normally does list type articles and comedy sketches.  One of their head writers, Michael Swaim, still has some of my favorite internet-only comedy videos to date (he's also a big Star Trek fan from what I've gathered): https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEACC42F3D8EB511A . AND since I'm trying to do some writing myself I decided to try and write am article for Cracked to see if that could be a thing for me. This was before I ACTUALLY signed up and read that Cracked only accepts PITCHES for articles and has separate people do the writing and graphics and things (conveyor belt style). I posted it on the writing workshop forums anyways and tried to ask as politely as possible if they would look at it as is. They wanted me to make it a standalone thing, but I'd already written the thing and didn't believe in the initial stand-alone premise (I don't think one can objectively consider either of these superheros above the other when taken as a whole), I told them only as an academic exercise would that work (it would be just another bit of hyperbolic fallacious nonsense which prompted me to write this in the first place, the kind of thing I don't want to add to the world). I'd also already spent 15 or so hours at the time crafting an article for them to run. Something which I thought essentially amounted to me trying to hand THEM money.

Cracked, I assume works on ad revenue and since this article relies on two articles essentially, I figured they'd:
A. Be doubling their click count
B. Already have an audience for this piece (since around 1.5 mil. had already read the first one)
C. This would be less costly to make since it was mostly completed and therefor not really a gamble in the cost-benefit department.
D. Even though I was told people might not want to read two articles, they just want a fun article about superheroes, I also argued that that's exactly what I'd made, and that I'd made enough references to the original piece that actually reading it was unnecessary (in the "you said this-but actually this" manner).
E. The Superman and Batman movie was about two or three weeks away so this article was regarding a popular topic (the original article was from 2012 but it was back on the popular articles page and pushing into the 3,000s with comments). I also layered it with current events. And since I'd revised it several times before submitting it, maybe too many layers (jokes on jokes on jokes and tons of references).
F. It would be a good story for how others could write for Cracked (this was back when I thought their invitation of "Write for Cracked" meant write for Cracked.)

They didn't want it though. I speculate my opinion piece might have set a bad precedent somehow, either in creating other submissions or I was somehow subverting how articles were made in such a way that was a bad deal on their end. Or my article wasn't good/funny enough or understood (obviously it did still need an editor to go over it at the very least). I seemed to have hit a somewhat dogmatically explained wall, that I could not see myself politely bargaining past (again, one wonders why). I browsed the rest of the forums and realized the quoted monetary reward they were offering for "pitches" (essentially and often a staggering amount of research that could be done by a freelancer later told that it "just wouldn't work," so all the "unfun stuff" they don't want to pay their employees to do) wasn't worth it (the more I worked the less I would make once I finally hit something). It was mucho disheartening. They also had a photoshop contest about ways to speed up the current election which I thought about using one of my MSPainted pictures for but I read the prize was $100 and only for the winner. If I did win it would only be because I pushed the other guy off of his podium. It's similar to what I'd encountered in the shirt design world but for much-much less. :(

I still enjoy Cracked and since I was asked to try and make independent pitches my mind constructed several alternative pitches (different topics, still within the realm of cinema). However, I have other things to do with the increase in schoolwork approaching (in addition to my previously mentioned reservations). So this is to be the end of this foray. As I said when finally putting up the article on the forums, "Hopefully it will make someone smile at least."

(Hmmm, like with everything, I probably should have researched it a little before attempting: https://hyperboleanddynamite.wordpress.com/2011/06/02/the-reality-of-writing-for-cracked-com/ Hooray, the internets!)

To Misters Fretz and Musgrave

Misters Fretz and Musgrave,

Heya, sorry I don't know either of you and I hate doing this but would one or both of you please inform some of your fellow (ad)ministers and "helpers" that not even a week ago one of you made a call for civil discourse and that part of that polite environment is not silencing someone who disagrees with you especially on the day that honors our fallen that fought for our freedom to waste time commenting on mobile games. 

This isn't the first time my comments have been taken down for no discernible reason other than that I was pointing out how rude or misconstruing someone else was being (apparently someone or someones with powers to remove my comments). Sorry again to bother you both. I didn't know how else to contact you, as I couldn't find a contact us directly and obviously can't seem to trust that a comment will reach either of you. Sorry again and thank you both for your time. If you can't do anything that's fine too, I'm just sick of doing nothing whenever this happens to me and I know it's your holiday and it's a little thing, and it's stupid, I just don't know if it's been happening to anyone else either.

The comment that disappeared was about 3/5s down the comment chain of http://toucharcade.com/2015/05/22/radiation-island-is-staying-an-apple-exclusive-because-android-users-dont-buy-games/

Why I don't blog.

I feel like all I can think of blogging about are sad things.

Things people are somewhat interested in (or rather they should be) but because they can't easily effect such things they'd rather not spend time with them.

I'll never do better than Colbert, Stewart, or Oliver (to name a few) in being as entertaining and informative about how f'ed up things are. And if they still can't sweeten up such sad news so it's palatable for everyone else I don't think I can. 

Unfortunately, I feel that I must, because it's so damned important. I never used to care about politics until I found how deeply politics seemed to effect everything I'd ever want to do. Why is politics so important? It effects the money. Why is money so important? That's kind of a silly question. If you want to do anything in life you need to have money. If you don't have money you can't get educated, or feed yourself, nor shelter yourself. You also can't get funding for things that benefit everyone. Like libraries, roads, repaving roads, etc. etc. etc. Money has also come to equal freedom -- And I don't even feel like finishing the equation or this "frackus to it's final stupidity." I don't understand how others think, so it's difficult for me to figure out how to make them see my side. You can give them all of the evidence and it doesn't matter. I'm sure on the other side it's the same thing. Except that that's not how it should be. I shouldn't be able to argue with a guy on Facebook about how he should get on board with immunizations after firing link after link to him explaining that the guy who said they could lead to autism was both lying and had a conflict of interest. 

^This is why I hate trying to blog, it's preachy it's entrenched, there are so many layers on top of layers of trying to get to the argument that I don't even want try, we've become as polarized as the middle east because the "stakes are too high." I gotta get that Republican or Democrat or whatever to see why they're wrong" and the problem is that's not even it, there are liars, cheaters, etc. on both sides and they must go

Bloggin sucks, unless it's like this. If only this stuff were actually important: http://arbroath.blogspot.com/

(Your readers should probably) Ragequit

Well I really shouldn't rage quit on just number 2. And I didn't even get to my review. Ok, Tom Cruise, you're up. Too big and complex a topic for me to really review. And I don't really believe in reviewing people, but I don't really know you so it's kind of a junk review anyways but I needed something, so, Tom. I think you can make some really good movies. Edge of Tomorrow (or Live, Die, Repeat, or whatever they're trying to rebrand the movie! "REBRAND" IS A WORD! ... so is OK, I guess you want me to capitalize "O" and "K"), Minority Report (also supposedly the name of the show that's replacing my beloved Stephie Colbert "steve-ee col-burt"), uh... some other movies that are science fictiony I'm sure (I wasn't a terrible fan of Oblivion, a lot of it looked cool, but there were some kind of silly mistakes in that film that kept me from enjoying it, something about how one character didn't quite interact well with another, or was, I'll have to watch it again, whatever). I like the majority of your movies, and really like a those two sci-fi movies I previously mentioned. I don't understand Scientology, and I think that's a major criticism, of the person and not really the actor, and sometimes people can or can't watch something because they can't separate the actor from the act. As in sure that guy on the screen can act but he totally knifed some people or something, I heard it from some guy, writing a blog, totally 100% reliable source).

This is probably one of the worst reviews ever. Tom, I like your films, I don't understand some of your decisions. That's not for me to understand, you don't have to understand any of mine and really why should I be scrutinizing you anyways, you and the first girl to play Christian Bale's Batman's girlfriend (Katie Holmes), had some weird tabloid romance then crazy thing. I probably shouldn't be looking towards the tabloids as a reliable source of info anyways (good lordika, why did I choose Tom Cruise for my first review?). I think I got it from the TV though. It was on. I don't know. I haven't heard anything since. Blah blah blah. Tom Tom Tom Tom. Please keep making cool Sci-Fi movies!

Synopsis: Tom Cruise = Good movies mostly, and some stuff happened that I probably shouldn't care about (unless he does start knifing people, or something, this is such a stupid review)

Dear Tom, I know you're busy making movies that I enjoy. If you have a minute I would ask that you please don't knife anyone, unless they are a terrorist or something. That'd be greeeeeaaaaaaat. You're probably wondering why I'd even say something like that to you. Well I wanted to start a blog you see, and then things happened, and here we are meeting hypothetical Tom Cruise, for some reason you're dressed all in black like this was Mission Impossible 2 (specifically the goofy clip with Ben Stiller as your stunt double! Hi, Ben! Please don't knife anyone, unless you have to either!).

We have fun here in Pete's brain. Celebrities always stopping by and me asking them to not do things they probably already know not to do. You know, just like a normal person's brain things. Probably. Mind grapes.

Mind. Grapes.

Reviews

I also want to review things. Games, movies, uh...etc. I don't want to shout at people, or hurt them, or the diminish their love of something. I just want to review something, like things I think could be improved, what I like about it etc. This is something (along with a bunch of other somethings) I've planned to do on Youtube. Although this may seem easy, it is, for me - being often a perfectionist (critical of oneself, a real "curblessing" [blessing and a curse, "blecurse," I suppose could work as well... "blurse?" that sounds fasionable, I'm of the opinion that probably everything could be a double-edged sword, that's not very helpful when making decisions but I supposed it is helpful for me to think of ways in which something could fail as a method of "target hardening"{this may however keep me from acting, as I open another pocket universe to debate something, to no eventual effect. YAY! At the very least I just used all three of the brackety things! That's got to break some sort of rule and make someone want to punch me in the face or their screen, %or both%}]) - time consuming and difficult. That usually means it won't get done. If I can lower the threshold keeping me from doing said tasks that would probably help, so, that's what I may do sometimes. Just a written review, hopefully with pictures and hopefully not too boring.

Let's start one, shall we?

Oh, Em, Jeebus, which, thing, shall, I, review. Uhhhhhhhh.... something smallllllllllish. Keep it simple. So many things to review.

Last movie in theaters, The Hobbit: Battle of Five Armies. Too much to say. Was watching today? in addition to a bunch of youtube clips, a few mobile games, an interesting article about the world of Japanese Pro Wrestling (looks dope, I'll have to check that out with my bro who sent me the article) <- hey that was kind of a review, not super informative, more like an opinion...., uh, several Law and Orders (snippets of), an NCIS (also with my folks), the first few minutes of Edge of Tomorrow while I made tacos (that was fun).

I love that movie. But I already have a review of it pending, not really any criticisms though, not sure if I just didn't find any or I enjoyed it too much to look for any, not that I go into movies looking for things to hate, mind you. It's more like it just occurs that I suddenly have trouble suspending my disbelief and then have to struggle to quiet that noise in my head that said, well that was stupid. Not sure why my head feels like it needs to analyze things like that. It can be oftly annoying, like Google not knowing the word "oftly" and giving me those tiny little red lines underneath those two uses of the word. I bet if I Googled it... googled... Really "googled" isn't in this things dictionary! THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!)!)@)IGW$INW$INGP)W*(H!V(*CJ{)M(hBP( VH${ RAGEQUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

Just start it with something.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm here...

I think the thinking is that I'll feel better if I blog, maybe be able to have my say... But what do I want to say...?

A million things at once and yet nothing at all. I think I'd rather not have to say anything, I'd rather be able to go about my day entertaining myself and the ones that I love. I do tend to love everyone though, and I genuinely want everyone to succeed. It's like what do you say when you pray, or *wish,* or encant (enchant? cantrip? no, what's the word...), when you wish to commune with a higher being your hopes and dreams and desires for the word (and yourself, or maybe you're just talking to yourself, or blogging to yourself). I'm not sure if it's a hope that you'll change, or the world with change, or you're just speaking into the aether to not feel lonely.

I usually say I want everyone to know they are loved. To grant them strength and clarity. I want to wish that no one dies or suffers. I don't think that's happened yet that there's been a day where no one or "thing" in the entire world has had a "bad day," or not died (an impossibility for creatures that don't live at least 24 hours, although perhaps they measure time differently... we did, after all, kind of "invent" time as we know it), and animals eat other animals, wars happen on the other side of the planet, although shooting happen here. AND apparently everything sunny all the time gets boring.

I don't know.

I would like my life to mean something. I don't want it to mean that I am or was just another screaming face/talking head/dude who's got "all the knows" and he's somehow secretly sharing it with you for only 3 EASY payments of 29.99, and is making other people scream and not get along. To that effect, I want people to get along. Probably if there's any point to me writing or doing anything it's that I want people to get along, to be entertained, to be excited, to be hopeful, to learn, to grow.

I also get angry at stuff and sometimes would like to call people out for doing things that I think are divisive or insidious. In doing so that kind of makes me similar, but I think an awful lot of people have blinders on. Myself included, in some manner I'm sure. Oh this is getting boring.

I want to do "all the things," starting with the important ones. The things that are the most important are probably the hardest and (seemingly and most likely are) the most difficult to change, that's probably why I get tired and decide not to do anything, that and a variety of other concomitant factors or related morbidities (that may or may not exist, at least not as I understand it). Or. Like. Whatever.

This is probably just another attempt for me to push the ball. We'll see... How do I do strikethroughs... ahhh... We'll see I'll see (no no, that's hardly fair to the reader, I mean, at least if no one is reading your blog, the internet is still reading it and that's something, right?) I'll see We'll see how it goes. I wish you all the lucks. I'm going to try to make my own (owe-n).